Burnt out: it's Time to Talk
Where do I start? Well, I used to be a very confident and energetic person. Any free time I had, I would fill it in with some kind of activity; either taking kids out or going out with family and friends. My whole life revolved around others. I would bend and break myself to make sure everything and everyone was ok in an attempt to keep the peace and to avoid conflict. I was so over-available for everyone else except myself.
Even at work I would overwork and take on extra work. I would say yes to everything. I would take less breaks and do favours for people, by doing weekends for them. I thought I was coping very well and at the time I didn't feel overwhelmed nor burnt out. I was on a roll….until one day at home I couldn't breathe and I didn't know what was going on.
I told my husband that I thought I was going to die, I was gasping for air. He told me I was fine. He opened the window, and somehow fresh air calmed me down. I breathed in, exhaled and calmed down. I didn't know what it was and came to the conclusion that it could be a heart attack.
I went to Doctors to check my chest and they said everything was fine. After a while I found out it was a panic attack. I just couldn't figure what I was doing, because I didn't feel stressed. I just reassured myself and kept going as I'm a working mother.
Mornings I would work and afternoon being a mother, wife. On the weekends I was a daughter and sister etc… I realised I was getting more and more anxious. I kept having panic attacks for few years and I suffered in silence thinking I was alone and I also thought there was no help so I dealt with it by ignoring it and I kept myself busy but slowly my energy was depleting.
My body started aching; I knew I was tired and exhausted. I still ignored it because I was stubborn. I stopped doing things I liked such as gardening etc. I didn't get joy out of it anymore...stopped talking to people and kept myself busy because I had no energy. But still I ignored it as it was a physical tiredness I thought it would recover by sleep...or to even have coffee for temporary energy….
Until ONE DAY my body and mind took over and it went on strike. I went to work I couldn't focus. I couldn't do my work which I could usually do. I became a bit emotional and disoriented. I just didn't feel well and was becoming delusional. I went to manager and I said, “I'm not well. Can I go home?” The managers looked at me and asked if I was alright and I remember saying, “I don't know.”
As I went out of work I forgot where I was going and walked around Royal London Hospital until it started drizzling outside...every time a rain dropped on my cheeks I remembered that I needed to go home. So I went to station and I forgot again then remembered. Somehow I reached home. I saw my husband and went blank… I couldn't remember him or even my children. I woke up in a Mental Hospital. I was told I slept for two days consecutively. I was stressed and burnt out.
While in hospital I was confused I didn't know why I was there, but one thing I appreciated was the time I had to sit and reflect. The realisation dawned on me that I forgot myself. I didn't look after myself. I asked myself, who am I? And how could I not be aware of my mental health. I was completely unaware of my mental health. I felt I had to rediscover myself. I was discharged from hospital within 4 days because I rested and remembered everyone and everything, thank God.
I always thought mental hospital was for crazy people not normal people. How wrong was I? When I was there, there were consultants, nurses, students who were also there and had breakdowns, they were also trying to find themselves. That's when I realised how important mental health was.
As my husband drove me out of hospital I didn't know which one was reality, the hospital or the world outside. Coming out was a relief but my journey only started when I left. I didn't see the world in the same way. The Doctor’s gave me a sick note for 6 weeks off from work to recover.
The scariest part was going back to work because I remember what happened but I had to go back and face it. If I didn't I wouldn't ever go back to work. It would have consumed me and I would have had fear of going out-agoraphobia.
Building my confidence was hard. At work my manager was supportive and he listened. I didn't hide what I went through at work, I shared my mental breakdown to others I felt it was a healing for me then discovered a lot of people going through the same experience as me, they were heading in the same direction as me but they had not yet come at the same point as me. I hoped by talking they became aware of their mental health.
During my recovery, I was suggested by one of my manager to go to mindfulness course which I did and it really helped me to deal with my anxiety. I'm thankful to God for my sanity and that I have supportive family and friends as well. It's not easy because mental health in our culture is a taboo and sometimes it can be seen as being possessed….but it was no possession my family realised, it was stress and trying to balance work life situation.
I have also took more interest in Mental Health and have done a Mental health first aider course and also I had the opportunity to teach mindfulness to sixth former students. I see this breakdown as blessing in disguise and there is a lot to learn.
I’m learning new skills to build my confidence such as assertive course, communication, coaching courses and rediscovering myself. I leave with this message by Rumi, ‘Don't be like the candle which gives light to others but the candle itself fades away.’
And my advice is Be kind and take time out for yourself. When you look after yourself, you will also be able to give more to others without you falling.
Shahanaz Begum